Live as if . . .
When I was a young teen, I remember a very confusing conversation I had with my Grandfather after I had learned that he had cancer. I told him I was sorry that he was dying and he responded by telling me that he did not know what I was talking about. I started to argue; telling him Mom and Dad had told me about the cancer, but he insisted he was healthy and there was nothing wrong with him. I later found out that was his way of fighting back. He went into remission for 4 years, despite the doctors giving him only months to live.
I got my MRI results yesterday, and they were unchanged. This is a great thing; there is no disease activity whatsoever going on in my brain. I should be ecstatic, except that getting this news makes me think I must be crazy. I was not sure what to think or how to feel yesterday when I got off the phone with my doctor. I was so sure I was having an attack that the news that I was not was dumbfounding. Could this really be all in my head? How could I explain all the fatigue, pain, and weakness I have been experiencing for so long now?
My doctor told me about how long a relapse could take to heal, and everything pointed to a spinal lesion that is no longer active but I still haven’t completely recovered from. Since I had only had brain lesions before, it was just taking longer than I was used to and I needed to be patient. Then she told me about pseudo relapses where a factor besides MS causes symptoms to flare up for a short amount of time, so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
I need to be patient when I can’t cook dinner for my kids or play outside after work? I need to not be so hard on myself when I can’t do something as simple as put away a basket of laundry? What is she talking about? This all seemed so insane to me I just wanted to scream!
So I have a new plan. I just don’t have MS anymore. I am going to follow Grandpa Dick’s lead, and simply deny my illness access to me. With someone like me, who is already borderline OCD, when you develop a disease that has so many strange and unknown symptoms you become very aware of everything you are feeling. This can lead to obsessing over how every part of you feels all the time. Well, no more. I no longer have anything to worry about. I will just live each day as if I was healthy. I will live as if I no longer have MS. I am healthy, strong, and I can do anything I want!
I am super excited to go to the gym tomorrow morning! It will not tire me out; and if it does, so what? I will do what I want, and not worry about any ill effects, because the constant worry about how I feel helps nothing. It only makes it worse.
I had the best day I have had in months today. I got up before work and did yoga, and then I organized my pantry while I waited for the coffee to brew. I was Me; after having lost Me for so long, it was so nice to have Me back! I had such a great day today, that I even danced in the car to newly downloaded tunes with my kids on the drive home from work. Man I missed being the fun and energetic Mom I really am!
Live as if there is nothing wrong with you today. Go forth and conquer whatever worries or scares you. Live as if you have nothing holding you back. I am done being sick, and I am done being tired! Please join me in this new healthy life! It’s AWESOME!!!