4:00 AM and Spinning

I have always had a bit of insomnia.  I recall times in high school where I would stay up all night watching TV because I couldn’t sleep, then sneak back into my bedroom before my Dad got up so he wouldn’t make me stay home.  I hated missing school.  If I missed a class, I missed a practice; and being the captain of the cheerleading squad, I was not about to miss a practice if I could help it.

It got a lot better after first having kids and being exhausted all the time.  Now, as I get more and more anxiety, it has gotten worse.  I now seem to be more on a cycle of two nights of sleep followed by two nights of little to no sleep.  The good thing about me being sick when I’m not sleeping is that everyone understands that I cannot do much of anything useful the next day; the bad thing about me being sick while this happens is that I cannot do much of anything the next day!

I have learned that I need 12-14 hrs of good sleep to wake up with no pain for the first couple of hours.

I had planned on making a list of the benefits of this happening.   Listing is a very good way for me to grab all my thoughts so my brain can stop spinning.   Just writing this part out has made me start getting really sleepy though, so I will have a very short list:

  1. I can come up with ideas to blog about.
  2. I have absolute silence to think in.
  3. I am all alone for a while – something I get very little of these days.

I just found out what was bothering me.  This is why I list!  Frankly, it’s easier to walk around when your not worried about someone seeing you bump into things, or seeing you walk straight.  Yes, you read it correctly.  I worry a little bit about people seeing me fumble around, but think I just discovered I worry a whole lot about people seeing me walk strait and show no disabilities the a lot.

People cannot see the pain and the fatigue so I am constantly wondering if people will think I just like to complain, or I’m exaggerating if I don’t feel up to doing something I call strenuous, like changing my clothes.

I know this sounds ridiculous, especially in front of my family, but this is one of the hardest things for me to adapt to.  And I think that the fact I’m still bothered by it is proof that I have not truly adapted.  And quite frankly, I hope I never do!  Six more weeks before they break me down to rebuild me.  🙂

Posted in: Cure for MS, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Stem Cell Transplant, Stress and Anxiety