A New Way to Choose
I have been feeling sorry for myself the last two or three days because I am experiencing something my doctor thinks is a Pseudo relapse brought on by stress. This means that my body is presenting all of past symptoms: pain, lack of coordination, my fingers not doing what I’m telling them to, and many others coupled with severe fatigue. I feel as though I am having a relapse, but I’m not and it should go away in a couple of days after I rest. Keep in mind this is what she thinks, we don’t know this for sure.
My husband has graciously taken the two older kids away for a while and my youngest is napping. In the spirit of allowing myself rest, I decide to sit in the hot tub my husband bought me to decrease the burning pain sensation I feel on my skin almost daily. As I sit there reading my book and drinking a cider my husband bought for me last night, I feel content. I look around at the beautifully landscaped yard my husband has spent years developing, and I realize I am truly blessed.
I have been working on a comparison list of choices to boost my mood for the last couple days, but I got stuck. I started out strong; I choose a job with heavy office politics because I get great hours and an understanding of my disease by my boss; I choose to not worry about the unknown of my future with the disease I have because I have a husband I know will take care of me if something bad happens. I choose to have three kids to take care of even when I’m over fatigued because they are the most precious things in the world to me.
I got stuck when I had to start the sentence with: I choose a life with MS because . . . .
There was no because. I would never choose to have MS. It is a horrible cruel disease that shows no mercy. It wants my hands, it wants my feet, it wants my energy and it wants my cognitive abilities.
But as I was sitting in the hot tub today, feeling truly blessed with everything I have in this world, I realized that I choose a life with MS because I would not give up the life I have for anything. I would rather have this life with MS than to not have this life at all. I choose a life with MS because I can fight it. I choose a life with MS because it forces me to find ways to motivate myself, always, and maybe I can help someone else with the things I come up with.
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