Yesterday I got the results back from my MRI. They showed no active lesions’. This should be a really good thing; it means there is nothing new or worsening in my condition. Except I am worsening, at least I am not getting better. I was hoping this MRI would show a reason for all the pain and fatigue I have been experiencing that is not getting better for the last two or three months.
To me this was really devastating news. At least with an active lesion they can treat it with steroids and it would eventually settle down and my brain would learn to work around it (hopefully.) There would be an answer and a plan. But with nothing going on in there, that means all these new symptoms have no known cause and it may just be how I am for the rest of my life.
I was feeling so bummed out yesterday I could hardly hold it together. I knew with all the stress of the day I needed a good night sleep, but my mind would not settle down, so I picked up a book my dad had given me: Tuesday’s with Morrie, by Mitch Albom. Starting this book was the answer to my earlier prayer to God I had been running through my head like a mantra, “help me, God.” Any of you out there that suffers from depression, whether it be just a condition you were born with or brought on as a symptom of MS, knows that when you start to spiral down it is hard to see any reason to anything.
When I started this book, I was amazed at the story of this man who had a great spirit that could not be held down. He danced always no matter what the beat, he was friends with everyone, and he was respected by his peers a mentor through life. After being diagnosed with ALS, he decides he will not let it win. That’s all I will tell you about the book for now, you have to read it yourself, but I will tell you I added three new stickers to my mirror. “Dance,” “Choose to by Happy,” and “Don’t Give up!”