I have once again broken down to tears when I realize what large cognitive effects still remain from either the MS, or the transplant itself. There was a 5-hour “spell” where I lost consciousness after all.
I was trying to help my daughter with her fifth grade math, and I could not figure out why something was what it was. I knew the answer, but I didn’t know how to prove it, or how to explain it. It sounds silly, but things start running circles in my brain, I could literally see the numbers running circles, but I could not stop and grab any. It is so frustrating to feel so normal now, yet feel so inefficient at the same time.
I still have a hard time wanting to do anything some days, also. I know it’s not normal for a 38yr old to stay in bed until 10, then watch TV until noon before I got dressed, but that is what I did today; and yesterday, to be honest. When I get do going, I get frustrated when the kids come home and I have to try to juggle two conversations about two different grades. It’s so overwhelming I just cry.
Today when I was thinking about how lazy I felt, I was trying to remember what made me happiest before I really started going down hill. What motivated me? What days were my best? How did I feel efficient, worthy, and productive? What made me happy truly? I have to remember that and make a decision to do it again.
I decided I am going to start my old routine, but not as early, because I don’t go to work afterwards. I am going to get up at 6am and go to the gym. I used to do that at 4am so I could work out and get ready for work before the kids got up, but now I just have to be home by 7 to get the kids up and off to school, and I can shower after that. But I know if I want to find my purpose again, it all starts with a routine involving exercise first thing in the morning for me. I used to just love that feeling, and it remained throughout the day. If I got a good workout in, I was happy and could deal with things all through the day. So I am going to do it again.
I don’t have to have really hard workouts at first. But if I wake up and do it, at least I know I’ll be doing something to get going in the morning. I’ll make the same pact I made to myself last time. I will try it for two weeks, and if I am not feeling better about myself, or if I am not getting more exercise done than I am now, I can quit. But I have to start and do it for at least two weeks. I don’t have to do it five days a week if I feel particularly weak one day. I have to remember I am still recovering. But I have to try. I will let you know how it goes!