I am both relieved and excited to share with you that I am feeling much better! I know I have not been blogging much, but I have been in a really poor physical and mental state lately. I am doing so much better after just nine days off my latest MS drug, Gilenya, that I am positive that was what was causing all of the problems I was having.
Someone asked me if I was mad at my doctors for not being able to figure it out, as it was my husband that finally figured out that the timing with starting a new drug and all of the new symptoms I was having correlated. I thought about it and said, “no.” I could be mad, but I was just so relieved that I had a solution and was no longer looking at feeling that way the rest of my life that I couldn’t waste any time being mad. And with a disease like MS, it is impossible to always get an answer for what is going on quickly, if you get one at all. I am just thankful I will get back to normal soon. I can’t wait to start working out again! I am thinking I will be up for it next week! 🙂
One good thing this past 4 months of feeling really crummy did give me was the know how to relax and meditate. I think this is a necessary skill for all of us to have. One good way of meditating, shutting down your brain and feeling at peace, is to imagine yourself in place that you feel completely at peace. This can be either real or imaginary. I will share my place with you to borrow until you find your own. I found mine when I was backpacking solo through Europe when I was 20.
I am sitting on the top of a rock wall in France. The wall is made out of lava rocks cemented together, about 3 feet high. Behind me is an old graveyard; and in the bright green grass are beautiful rounded stones left to remember loved ones of long ago. The wind is strong and it almost feels like a living force. As I feel the weight of the wind pushing against my face, I feel that it is meant to be a part of me. I feel more alive than I have ever felt before.
In front of me I see tree covered mountains far away, under a deep blue sky. There are no clouds, no birds, just an extremely blue sky for endless miles. Beneath me, my feet hang over the rock wall and there is a freeway with quickly moving cars. I cannot hear the cars; all I hear is the wind rushing by my ears.
The wind is not making me cold; I am warm from the sun penetrating my face. I am not sure how I can be in so much wind, and yet still feel the sun, but I do not care. I just sit there; listening to and feeling the wind as a welcome force on my skin, giving me peace. I am completely relaxed, happy, and calm.
I am not thinking of anything else I should be doing. I am one hundred percent present in that very moment. Just feeling alive. It is a wonderful feeling. There is no self-doubt, no anxiety, no pressure or schedule. I am complete.