Name it. . .
Depression. This is by far the scariest and most immobilizing symptom of MS I have had to deal with. It is usually under my control, via by sheer will, tricks and tips I have learned, or medication. But these things do not always work how they are supposed to. And once you spiral all the way to the bottom, it is hard to claw your way back out.
I will spare you the gruesome details of what it is actually like; if you have been there, you know. It is devastating, you lose the ability to think clearly or have rational thoughts. You lose the ability to recognize who you are and what is important to do. You lose the ability to do normal everyday social interactions, because you just can’t. And you lose your identity. You stop recognizing yourself, or believing that you could matter at all. After all, you feel that you are such a worthless and horrible person, you could only do harm to others.
The only way out is to name it. You have to recognize the difference between sad thoughts, and irrational depressed thoughts. And you have to be able to name it out loud to someone that can really hear you.
Many people do not have the ability to actually hear what you are saying because they cannot fathom feeling this way. They have never experienced becoming a totally different person.
I am lucky to know what it is, that I am able to be able to name it, and that I was able to get help. Like I said in the beginning, I do not want to give too much gory detail, but I want you to know, that if you are there, or know someone you know is there, the only way to get help or to help others is to recognize it for what it is: a nasty disease that you have no control over. And name it as Depression, not something meaningless like sadness, or blue. It is not sadness, it is not understandable to others, it is your own dark disease that needs attention and patience, and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible so that you may come out of the hole.