Six Weeks Away, and Falling Apart
I am now just a six short weeks from leaving for Italy. Up until now, I have been very brave about the whole treatment. I know it’s going to be hard and I will go through a lot of pain and discomfort, but I know I have to do it. I have to do it so that I will not get worse. The downhill slope I have been on for the last 2 years is so steep, that I feel as if my brakes could give at any moment.
I also feel obligated to do it in case my children get MS. The cure has to be readily available. And I feel I have an obligation to others like me without the support I have. If I was poor and had no family, feeling as bad as I have I would not have been able to find the treatment or pursue it as hard as we have to get into a facility who will treat me. Three separate programs have already turned me down; it has been a really bad roller coaster ride!
But today, I am not feeling so strong. I am scared. I am scared to death! I don’t want to do it. It is going to be hard, and now I’m realizing how hard it’s going to be getting treated in a facility where I won’t be able to easily communicate with people. They told me that the doctors would mostly speak English, but not all the nurses. How will I ask for help when I’m in pain? Although this seems so simple, I can clearly express that somehow, this is the sort of thing I’m starting to freak out about. I am so overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, and fear that I cannot even make a simple decision about the flight I’m going to take.
I woke up depressed, and have been in tears most of the day, so I really didn’t even want to talk to my husband when he called earlier today. He just wanted to know if I wanted to pay $99 extra for extra legroom and free drinks, and I started bawling. How can I be expected to make this kind of decision? But the real question is, how could I not be able to make such a simple decision? I feel as if I’m totally falling apart. It is not a good feeling. On days like this, I really question if I’m going to be able to make it through this period in my life.
But I know from experience. This too shall pass. I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling A LOT better!