Six Weeks Away, and Falling Apart

I am now just a six short weeks from leaving for Italy.  Up until now, I have been very brave about the whole treatment.  I know it’s going to be hard and I will go through a lot of pain and discomfort, but I know I have to do it.  I have to do it so that I will not get worse.  The downhill slope I have been on for the last 2 years is so steep, that I feel as if my brakes could give at any moment.

I also feel obligated to do it in case my children get MS.  The cure has to be readily available.  And I feel I have an obligation to others like me without the support I have.  If I was poor and had no family, feeling as bad as I have I would not have been able to find the treatment or pursue it as hard as we have to get into a facility who will treat me.  Three separate programs have already turned me down; it has been a really bad roller coaster ride!

But today, I am not feeling so strong.  I am scared.  I am scared to death!  I don’t want to do it.  It is going to be hard, and now I’m realizing how hard it’s going to be getting treated in a facility where I won’t be able to easily communicate with people. They told me that the doctors would mostly speak English, but not all the nurses.  How will I ask for help when I’m in pain?  Although this seems so simple, I can clearly express that somehow, this is the sort of thing I’m starting to freak out about.  I am so overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, and fear that I cannot even make a simple decision about the flight I’m going to take.

I woke up depressed, and have been in tears most of the day, so I really didn’t even want to talk to my husband when he called earlier today.  He just wanted to know if I wanted to pay $99 extra for extra legroom and free drinks, and I started bawling.  How can I be expected to make this kind of decision?  But the real question is, how could I not be able to make such a simple decision?  I feel as if I’m totally falling apart.  It is not a good feeling.  On days like this, I really question if I’m going to be able to make it through this period in my life.

But I know from experience.  This too shall pass.  I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling A LOT better!

Posted in: Cure for MS, Health, health and wellness, Multiple Sclerosis, Stem Cell Transplant