The Questions Don’t Stop
I am watching this show, Six Feet Under, which has an amazing story line and character development. One of the brothers has found out he has something wrong with his brain that can cause an embolism or stroke at any time and he doesn’t know what to do.
I can so intimately relate to this it is scary. Not just before I got the HSCT done and had an incurable disease that I didn’t know what would do to me, but even now. I don’t know for sure that it has cured me, and I don’t know what my future holds. I know what most of us don’t, but especially for me, and others in similar situations.
I have had a cold/sinus infection that has knocked me on my ass for days now, and I have felt like I can’t really do much. The thing is, it’s not like having a cold, where you know it will go away in a day or two. I have no white blood cells still, and it could turn into a serious infection. So me being sick and feeling so bad meant I had to skip my niece’s birthday party. A chance to get to see my husband’s family before I move out of state, which was important to me.
I took a bath and thought that maybe my leg felt numb. It was not true, everything feels fine now, but this is the kind of unknown fear I still live in. I try so hard to only be grateful for the chance at a cure, and for the fact that I don’t have pain every day, but it is hard. There is still so much I have a right to be frightened of.
I cannot really explain this to any one. I feel that I have no right to not just be happy that I am so much better, for their sake. My husband and my parents don’t want to know I still have such fear, and it feel so selfish. But it is there. Life is hard for so many on so many different levels; this is just the floor I am on right now. Hopefullly tomorrow will be a better day.