The Ugly Truth of Recovery
I feel ugly and weak. It makes no since that I would harbor these ugly faults when I have had such a positive transformation. I should not be so vain that looking like a man with super short hair still bothers me. At least it is growing back. I should not be so proud that it bothers me that I still can only run a little over two miles, and I got hurt trying to go three on a hot day. It should not bother me that losing weight is an ongoing battle because I seem to have no self restraint when it comes to comfort food these days. I have lost 22 lbs since my worst hospital days, but it still all bothers me.
I am still very emotionally weak. I don’t know when that will change, but when I get tired, I do not seem to be able to handle things. I do not like feeling this way and it makes me feel ungrateful and small after what a huge miracle I have received.
I realize that every day of healing is a struggle, and a blessing all at the same time. What I need to do is figure out how to not let it bother me so much. No one is perfect, not even me, as much as I have always wanted to be. I cannot hold higher standards for myself then I do others. I am only human.