The Unknown

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be very inspirational, and all about how to turn the bad into good.  Stay positive, that’s the key!  The truth is, MS is hard.  Life if hard!  Right now, I am waiting to hear back about my MRI results from yesterday.  I got a quick peek at them and I am pretty sure I have a very large, very active lesion, and a smaller one showing up as active not too far away.  So my unofficial diagnosis is that I am in really bad shape!

As I use my right hand for everything, I am very aware of how difficult it is to make do what I want.  As I type, I am very aware of how clumsy my fingers are.  And as I try to walk across the room, I am very aware of how hard it is to walk straight.  Normally, you don’t have to think about using your body parts, so the simple fact that I have to think about all of this tells me there are connection problems.  And I feel weaker by the minute.  I hate not knowing, I want my MRI results now!  I start to wonder if I should think about canceling all the plans I have for the coming weeks, or if I should leave work now, before I lose complete function of my arm in case I can’t drive in 3 hours.

The unknown is the worst part of this disease for me.  I am the kind of person that wants to know what is going to happen tomorrow and next week.  Even what will happen 2 hours from now seems to be up in the air right now.

The conclusion I have to come to is simple.  I have to live in the moment.  As hard as that is, there is simply no way to know what kind of shape I will be in this weekend.  I cannot tell right now if I will be unable to attend the party I have planned to go to, so there is no reason to tell them I’m not coming.  I might be able to make it.  There is no use worrying about the unknown, because that will not change the future.  Worry causes undue stress, and I have no room for that right now!  As hard as it is to not worry, my goal is to live in the moment.  Keep making plans as if I will get no worse, only better.  Keep going on as if everything will work out great.  Whatever is going to happen will happen, and I will still be here.

My goal to you this week is to do the same.  Live and plan as if nothing will go wrong.  Moving forward is the goal this week.  Please do so with me.  🙂

Posted in: Happiness, Multiple Sclerosis