Was it Worth it?
A question that many people ask me after I’ve had the HSCT is ‘was it worth it?’ I always tell them that I cannot decide that for them. It depends on your personal situation, and when I did it I had no other choice. I was feeling like I was not living anyway, so if I died it didn’t matter. At least the pain would stop.
I was in such dire straits before the transplant that I could not even take care of my children. I could not leave the bed at times. I could not cross a room without resting. I could not take care of myself. I thought, and my father told me this as well, that if the disease did not kill me, I would eventually have to take my own life given the amount of horrific neuropathic pain I was constantly.
So for me, it was not a choice. It was a necessity to try to go on being a mother. I owed it to my children to try it. Even with all of this, there were many times in the last two years that I asked myself the same question. ‘Was it worth it?’
There were weeks on end where I was very ill and it seemed I just could not or would not ever get better. There were days that I would lie in bed all day because I was too tired to try to do anything else. These days would come very close together, so I felt like I wasn’t doing anything productive in life. So I asked myself, ‘was it worth it?’
I am now just 11 days from two years out. I would like to say that I am now sure that it WAS worth it! I have finally gotten over the worst of the fatigue and the immune system problems. I am running again, and feeling pretty good most days. I am cooking for my family again. And I am close to finishing my book about the whole process that I believe with help others that are considering it or are about to go through it.
This does not mean that I am ready to go back to work, I will never be able to work again. I will not run another marathon, or even a 10K. But I have figured out how to live my life. This is an amazing thing for me, and my family! I am so grateful that everyone has supported me so much through these last few years of misery so that I could get to this point again. I am happy to be here!